On Many Modern-Day Americans

I’ve learned many things about many modern-day Americans in the wake of the Zimmerman verdict:

• Many modern-day Americans maintain a pre-Civil-Rights-Era view on race relations.  If you’re black, and probably a young black man in particular, you are to be docile.  If a white man approaches you, be respectful, do as he instructs, say “yes sir, no sir.”  Don’t make any sudden movements.  If he follows you around at night, armed, understand he is just looking out everyone’s best interest.  Don’t do anything to make him more afraid than he already is.  You think this is not fair?  Well, you should be more sympathetic to how scary you are.
• Many modern-day Americans think it’s ok to view young black men as inherently threatening.  Understand that your manner of dress, your physical size and muscularity (if you dare have it), etc., may scare white people.  Take careful note that IT IS NOT YOUR SKIN COLOR they fear.  Whites are color-blind about this, it’s everything else about you except that (because that would be racist, which they’re not).
• Many modern-day Americans think it is unacceptable, however, for black people to ever see concerned whites as threatening, and if they do not remain docile (see above), they should understand the consequences.  For such proud whites, self-defense is a basic human right (like carrying a concealed firearm).  Black Americans, on the other hand, need to understand that fighting back is NOT self-defense if accosted by a white, because they are the instigators in the first place with their inherent scariness, their “thuggish” appearance, their known proclivity for criminality, etc.  I mean, what is a white to do?*
• Many modern-day Americans call black teens with no criminal records “thugs.”  They do this, they say, because of their chosen “look” (probably too “hip-hop”), and because they have trace amounts of marijuana on them and have maybe gotten in trouble at school (or because they have been boastful and macho on Twitter).  This isn’t “normal” teen-boy behavior, like white teen boys exhibit, that they will eventually grow out of.  White boys like guns because they are passionate about their constitutional rights and being good Americans.  White boys like pot because all teens have possessed a trace amount of marijuana at some point.  Black teens like guns and pot as an expression of innate, inner thuggery and a disrespect for law and order (and common decency) encouraged by their culture.  Many modern-day Americans believe this key difference justifies the death of these black teens almost regardless of any other factors or context.  In this view, the young thugs aren’t really even human, they are dangerous animals and beyond redemption.
• Many modern-day Americans believe that black families do not mourn the loss of their loved ones if they are killed by someone black.  They feel that black people only care about friends and family unexpectedly taken from them when a white person does it.  It is evidently believed that when a black mother loses her son, gunned down in his prime, she is likely to inquire about the race of the murderer, and if the murderer was also black, she is likely not to care about the loss of her son. Therefore, what appears to be mourning is really about sticking it to whites, rather than the genuine feeling of momentous loss that whites feel when a loved one is lost.
• Most disturbingly, many modern-day Americans believe, that just like with the N-word, that the fact that sometimes black people do kill other black people means it’s ok to kill black people, generally.  Not until all black people stop killing other black people should white people have to stop too.  It’s hypocrisy after all, why do they get to do it and it’s no big deal, but we can’t?
• Many modern-day Americans believe in an absolute right to gun ownership and self-defense.  You can seek out threats and confront them.  You have an absolute right to protect you and yours.  The deadlier the better.  If you’re white that is.  If you’re black, gun ownership makes you a “thug” and a criminal (black + gun is not the constitutional victory that white + gun is).  Defending yourself in any way is reason for you to be put down.  You are to be docile.  White rights are expansive.  Black rights are very narrow.  Find this frustrating?  Well, until you convince every other black person in America to be the way whites want them to be (whatever that is; see below), you’ll have to deal.  Seems fair?
• One would be forgiven then for assuming that many modern-day Americans would be happy if young black men were maximally “clean” and “articulate” and studious and academic and physically meek and didn’t do suspicious things like be out so late for so-called “snacks” (white teens don’t do this; white teens are widely known to go bed early and not crave junkfood).  However, this same community has been less than enthusiastic about embracing President Barack Obama, black academia, and basically any black Americans who aren’t athletes, musicians, comics, or movie stars.  It turns out, if you don’t adhere to the white-normative expectation, you are a thug and threat to my life/safety (unless you are a professional athlete, in which case, stay a safe distance away and entertain me).  If you more closely align with the white-normative ideal, but are black, you are a wimp, a joke, probably an affirmative-action case, and a threat to my job (unless you are a musician (non-rap; if rap, see above about “thugs”) or a movie star, in which case, just be docile and entertain me).  One would be forgiven for seeing this as a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario/Catch 22.
• Many modern-day Americans don’t see anything wrong with piling extreme amounts of negative scrutiny on everything a black person does, even black juveniles.  They are ok with the situation being that blacks have a constant affirmative obligation to prove potential negative presumptions wrong, even as adolescents.  There should be little room for error, if they slip-up, the death penalty seems appropriate.  It is also ok to do the opposite and always assume the best of whites.  This is not racist, this is just statistics, and being sensible (but holding whites accountable for prior bad acts of whites? living in the past! the race card! reverse racism! get. over. it. people.).
• Many modern-day Americans are fucking hateful idiots.

* When a black person approaches you at night, you can be sure what’s up.  When a white person approaches, however, take a bifurcated approach depending on your race: (1) if you are white, do whatever you want (duh); (2) if you are black, stay put, put your hands up to show you are unarmed, don’t talk back or be disrespectful (certainly don’t use “slang”; few things inflame white men more than the butchery of their precious English language), and work patiently with the white person until the white person feels sufficiently non-threatened enough to let you go.

I Left My Heart in San Francisco

Well, more like I left my car in San Francisco and the SF PD/DPT reached through my ribcage and tore out my still-beating heart, held it firmly in front of me, and then asked me politely to pay them $600 to have it back.

"Hello sir, welcome to the San Francisco Department of Parking Fuck Ups, how can I be of service to you today?"

I’m not quite sure what happened here.  I am pretty confident that I parked in a legitimate space, right beneath a sizable tree and a sign that unambiguously permitted parking.  I’m also 100% sure that when I later returned to where my car used to be, there was another car parked in the same spot, unbothered.  The best I can figure is that PART of my car may have been encroaching on some red-painted curb indicating that a driveway may be nearby (although this is never clear in San Francisco, which has an abundance of weird inch-high curbs, hidden driveways, 4-foot long parking spaces, and other such confounding set-ups).  It was dark and almost historically rainy at the time, and I haven’t had a chance to go back and investigate, so this remains an open question.  The following day I tried to inspect the crime scene on Google Street View and the only conclusion I really came to was, again, that cars DO park in that spot.  Rightfully or wrongfully I can’t say, but still, at this point the evidence seems to favour that this is a permissible place to park when one is craving affordable French food and wine (< $10/plate, $7/glass).

In any event, the frugality of my dinner choice would prove to be painfully ironic.  Apparently some touchy asshole concerned citizen took issue with the placement of my car within about an hour of me placing it there and narc’ed to the SFPD, who then saw fit to issue me two parking tickets totaling $140, and ordered what must have been the SICKEST most LUXURIOUS auto tow in the history of the world for (and I even had to negotiate this down by $50) a mind-boggling $430.

The first offence.

The epic, full-service tow. This was clearly a pleasure for both car and tow'er alike, featuring a flatbed or dolly ride, premium storage, and a hefty "administration" fee. Note the time at completion.

Observe the second offence, "wheels the wrong way," issued a good 7 minutes after my car was already done being towed! Awe-some.

Moral: don’t park your car in San Francisco unless you hate your bank account.

Genuine Crass

It is often pointed out that “hipster” culture is more about buying a certain image – “grittiness,” “authenticity,” “creativity,” etc. – than anything else.  I think this is largely true and nowhere more nauseatingly evident than at Free City.  This bullshit “art collective/fashion house” sells things like teal t-shirts with the words “BIKE FRIEND” on them for $135, and orange parachute pants with what appears to be a mash-up of the Twitter and City Sports logos for nearly $300.  If you thought American Apparel was grossly underpriced, Free City is for you.

I’m quite sure that this is some kind of joke being played upon vapid saps of Southern California.  I refuse to believe that it could be anything else.  That being said, I think as my next/first performance-art-slash-get-rich-quick scheme, I would like to take this nonsense to the next logical step.  If the rich A-holes fashion savvy consumers of Orange County want to pay real money to look like fake drug addicts, I’d like to provide them with something even harder: MURDER SHIRTS.  If you’re willing to drop hundreds on some manufactured tatter, wouldn’t you spend thousands for true grit?  Not the impression of authenticity, but its actual stanky DNA: a homeless guy’s old pants, a military-style jacket some unknown musician overdosed in, shirts off murder victims.  Why revel in the illusion of seediness when you can buy your way into so much more?  Be the envy of even your “hardest” hipster friends as vagrants recognize your outfit as something they think they used to have!  Watch girls in thick glasses and arm sleeve tattoos swoon when they find out that your slim fit v-neck tee is speckled with SOME BRO’S ACTUAL BLOOD.  “Dude, some dude fucking OD’d in this shirt!”  “Sick man, let’s drink a Pabst!”  Plus paying local house-unencumbered artisans and bereaved families to unload their dirty laundry on you reeks of “social consciousness,” a necessary veneer for any successful business attempting to sell hipness to rich people.  As soon as Taylor Momsen or James Franco is seen in one of these babies, this will be the thing.

The realest fake authenticity money can buy, soliciting investors NOW.

"Ryan Gosling helps the homeless" could soon be "Ryan Gosling IS the homeless." Think about it Ryan!